730 Days of Sobriety
Two years of self work, family time, and growth.
Now that I’m closing up my second year of sobriety, I’m realizing that not much has changed, but also that everything has changed. As I began the process of looking back at the past year, I was expecting to have a flood of emotions and learnings that would ooze out of me. It’s weird, and sort of sad, to say that hasn’t been the case. The other side of that coin though is to realize that there are certain aspects of my life that I have dug into much deeper than expected, surpassing any preconceived notion that these areas would be where I put my focus.
When I crossed the threshold of 365 days of sobriety, the learnings were immense. Rereading what I wrote, I’m surprised it was as short of an article as it was. Everything in there still rings true. The relationship, and sex, with my wife has continued to grow, as we’ve found deeper, and more solidified, foundations for us to keep strengthening our connection. I’m still trying to find new ways to connect with my kids beyond superficial questions like “how was your day?”; Sometimes though, that’s all I can muster. I’m also excited to tell you that I still prioritize sleep over many other things. I don’t journal as much as I would like, but I do still search for new books to learn from and laugh with.
A more evolved parent
I’ve come to the conclusion that as parents the majority of us try to raise a small version of ourselves. We don’t give credence to the personalities that are bubbling up within our children. When they begin to act in a way that differs from what we want to see out of them, we try to silence that behavior so they fall more in line with how we want them to be seen. It takes a lot of effort and time to try to learn the reason behind our kids' behavior. We typically act quick, believing that since we’re the parent, we know who our children should be. This stiffles their personality and their growth. They begin to feel the desire to be someone different from who you’re wanting them to be, and they don't know what to do with that. Some will push back, fighting tooth and nail to be their authentic self. While others bury their true personality deep inside, creating a shell around their person that will take a lot of work to unravel. Our job as parents is to nourish the personality and authentic self of our children. We shouldn’t be trying to mold them into the person we want them to be so society is proud of our parental achievements.
We shouldn’t be trying to mold our children into the person we want them to be so society is proud of our parental achievements.
My Search for Meaning
One of the books I read this year was Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. If you’re into history, this book will give you a lot of context to the WWII concentration camps that isn’t typically shown or discussed. If you believe you have more to offer this world and you’re struggling to find out what that is, this will also be a great read for you. I was more inline with the later, though I do enjoy WWII history. I read this book hoping to figure out why I have this desire to help people. As I flip back through the pages, I have so many highlighted lines from this book that I could write an entire article discussing these points. The part that took my breath away, the part that spoke to me the most, was in the last paragraph of the last page of the book.
It’s a look back at a moment in time when Frankl was asked the meaning of his own life. He asked his students to give their best guess to what his response would be, while also writing his response down on a piece of paper. One student caught Frankl off guard by saying “The meaning of your life is to help others find the meaning of theirs.” Frankl shockingly agreed with the student. Reading this line created that pit of your stomach feeling that grew into an emotional reckoning. This was the moment when I realized the meaning of my life is to help others find the meaning of theirs. I haven’t completely figured out what to do with this learning yet, but it has helped me realize I need to say more and do more. I need to share stories and create content that allows others to distance themselves from their day to day enough to create the space needed to listen to what they’re trying to tell themselves.
We need tension
“A violin will not play without tension”.
I believe this quote came from a podcast, but I’m not sure which one or when. What’s awesome about this quote though is that it isn’t about good or bad tension, it’s about the fact that we need tension. In this case, if you want to play music with a violin, you have to find the correct tension for the violin and the music you’re going to play. If this isn’t a metaphor for life, I don't know what is. These days, it feels like everyone is looking for ways to play a violin without tensioning their strings. We’re looking for the path of least resistance to the desired outcome of happiness and fulfillment. That’s just not how it works.
When I think back to my days of drinking, I believe I was creating tension for tension's sake. I was using drinking as a way to escape feelings of unfulfillment. Because of the harshness of a hangover, I gave myself ample reasons to not pursue the things in life I truly wanted or desired. I was able to relish in the anguish of excuses. If we actively pursue a discomfort that creates growth, instead of a comfort that keeps us placated, the chance of coming out the other side changed forever is exponential. Isn’t that why we’re here? To constantly learn, grow, and find fulfillment in becoming the person we’re truly meant to be.
My recent crazy activity was running my first marathon.
I’m a prideful person
This is what I learned about myself during my reading and learning around the Enneagram. The Enneagram does something different from traditional personality tests. Most personality tests show you the positives of your personality so you can have an idea who you are when you’re searching. The Enneagram goes a step further by helping you see the potential pitfalls of your personality. In the world of the Enneagram this is referred to as the seven deadly sins, or the sins.
I am a 2w3, which means I am a Helper, and my wing leans me toward Performer. The sin of a type two is Pride. This learning led me through a lot of feelings of entitlement and gratitude. My desire to help people, if gone unchecked, happens only so I can receive the thanks for giving the help. I believe this created a very large ego inside of me that earlier parts of my life continuously inflated. As I dig into these learnings, I continuously have to remind myself to remove “me” from the equation. If I’m posting content, I have to remember the reason to post is to help others. It’s not about getting recognition for posting (Social media makes this very hard since there is a view and comment count on every post). This is a weekly struggle for me. I still find myself questioning why something didn’t get a comment, or didn’t get a certain amount of views. The hard truth is that I have to remind myself constantly that finding fulfillment in creating the content is what I am after, not the recognition for being a creator.
Not drinking is simple, but simple doesn’t mean easy
Not drinking is the simple part of being sober, being vulnerable and humble enough to find yourself in sobriety is the hard part. We have so many different vices that we use to hold ourselves back, it’s hard to know where to start. That's what I fought with for two years before I became sober. I finally realized I needed to remove alcohol from my life so I could truly focus on my life.
If you’re looking for more from yourself, and for yourself, I recommend removing the thing you’re fighting to hold on to the most. That might be alcohol, or that might be a job, a dream, or a different habit entirely. It’s time to stop fighting ourselves from getting whatever it is we truly want. It’s time to light our match, so we can start the fire that will allow our rebirth.
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Brian, this is a work of art that you've created. I received the email notification that you posted this 2 weeks ago and finally got around to reading it. The funny thing is, if I would have read it when posted, on January 2nd, it wouldn't have hit the same and been as appreciated. Please continue to write more, I get a lot out of it and you inspire me to make big changes in my own life. I have put certain things into action recently that you've mentioned here and this article is the boost that I needed to maintain the discipline. Thank you